I like writers like Christina Caré for making clear why it is so difficult to write about narcissism seriously. I wish she would write more.

Until then, a few comments may help to bring out the problems.

Did you ever notice that it is always the other person, ‘your friend’, who is the narcissist in articles like these?

With a little less ‘narcissism’, that is to say, a bit of humility, it becomes evident what is really being spoken about in this article is egoism and egotistical behavior.

The distinction is important for five reasons:

1. First, everyone you know has an ego and the slide into egoism and egotism is not for a privileged few, but an inertia that can happen to anyone, including the author. In fact, for everyone who calls (incorrectly) their boyfriend or girlfriend a ‘narcissist’, you will probably find the compliments being returned by that same girlfriend/boyfriend. In short, when it comes to egoism, all the ‘subtle signs’ of being vain, mean, arrogant, unempathetic, toxic, etc. are reciprocal.
2. Second, contrary to the out-dated link provided by the author on the Royal College of Psychiatrists, it is well known today that the diagnosis of ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ is one of the least reliable diagnosis one can make. To date, there have been no clinical trials on ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. See a) Caligor, Eve; Levy, Kenneth N.; Yeomans, Frank E. (May 2015). “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges”. The American Journal of Psychiatry. 172 (5): 415–22. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723. PMID 25930131.
3. Third, to think there are signs of a narcissistic personality that can be decoded by a magic ring is not only wrong-headed but paranoiac. It is like diagnosing someone with ‘homosexual disorder’, which until recently was also considered an abnormality in the DSM manual of psychiatrists, then going out looking for all the signs that make someone homosexual. A very paranoiac endeavor … no?
4. Lastly, because of the sparse and contradictory research literature, narcissistic personality disorder was set to be eliminated from the current psychiatrist’s diagnostic manual (DSM-5) just as other ‘disorders’ such as homosexuality had been previously eliminated. However, in response to pressure from professional groups, the decision to remove narcissistic personality disorder was reversed, and today it has been reinserted as a pathology in the current DSM-5 with a far from unanimous recall. To confirm this turbulent clinical history of NPD, read: b) Shedler J, Beck A, Fonagy P, et al.: Personality disorders in DSM-5. Am J Psychiatry 2010; 167:1026–1028 Link, Google Scholar c)Ronningstam E: Narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-V: in support of retaining a significant diagnosis. J Pers Disord 2011; 25:248–259 Crossref, Medline, Google Scholar d) Miller JD, Widiger TA, Campbell WK: Narcissistic personality disorder and the DSM-V. J Abnorm Psychol 2010; 119:640–649 Crossref, Medline, Google Scholar
5. Fifth, narcissism, if it were ever to be explained adequately, is a cure for egoism and its paranoiac tendencies.

In the end, the question is up in the air as to whether there are any ‘real’ traits that would allow for “telling if your friend is a narcissist”. But what is sure, is that there are no magic decoder rings and a lot of paranoia.

Just a few grains of salt,

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